Soymek Kynmy?

-
-privet Merjen, kak dela?
-privet Myrat，horosho. Kak sam?
-Neploho. Chto delaesh?
-Ya? Nichego…zhdala tvoego zvonka.

Myrat chalt adimler bilen Ashgabat sowda merkezine girdi. Uzyn gun dasharda, jokrama yssy. Myrat goni tuwalede girdi. Tirsegine chenli elini, yuzuni, gulagyny, boynuny sabyn bilen yuwdy. Yarym sagat. Taksi. 3 manat.

Bir gyza ashyk bolmak kynmy? Yureginde lale yaly ayap, ustune yekeje sayada dushurmani saklamak kynmy？ Yykylan ynamyny tazeden yygnamak, paralanan gownuni tazeden choplemek, yumrulan umytlaryna her gun tazeden, gayta-gayta, munlerche gezek jan bermek kynmy?

Myrat: Kak ya rad videt’ tebyaJ
Merjen: videt？
Myrat:v kovychkah. Ty zhe redko zahodish v agent.
Merjen:eto da. Ty kak vsegdauspel soskuchitsya po mne。
Myrat:Eto vopros?
Merjen:dazhe ne nuzhno chtoby eto bylo voprosom. Mozhno srazu utverzhdat’,pravda ved?
Myrat:hahahaha…kak ty horosho menya znaesh.
Merjen:konechno. My zhe stolko obshaemsya.
Myrat:biraz garash Merjen.
Merjen:pochemu?
Myrat:ya tebe pozvonyu.

Myrat taksiden barmaly yerinden barrakde dushdi. Entak wagt bar. Galan wagty biraz yorap, pikirini jemlesenem boljak. Garankylap gelyan Ashgabat, kochede bileje yorap baryan jubutler. Yakymly shemal.


Ynam. Aslynda duygy ynam diymek. Ynamyn gornushleri kan. Sheyle ynam bar. “Arzan” ynam diysenem bolyar. Alma suyjimi armytmy? Alma diyenin bilenem, armyt diyen bilenem kan bir tapawudy yok, haysysyn hakykatda has suyjidigin ahmiyeti yok, shong uchinem birisinin suyjiligine ynanmak ansat, “arzan”, we yalnyshanynam parhy yok. Yene bir ynam bar. “Dushnukli” ynam. Yuz kile haltany goteryan adamyn elli kile dashy goterjegine ynanshy. “Suri” ynamy. Toweregindaki kopchuligin ynanshy uchin doreyan ynam. Ynamlar kop, sholaryn arasynda seyrek dushyan birisi bar. Ony suratlandyrmak kyn. Mumkin bolmadyk, bolup bilmejek, bolmaly dal zada ynam. Hich kimin ynanyp bilmejek, seni goldamajak ynamy. Yalnyshsan durmushyny kul edip biljek ynam. Guyjini ashyan zatlara ityan ynam. Gymmat, dushnuksiz, agyr, ajy we yiti ynam. Men sheyle ynama “Hakyky” ynam diyyarin. Hemme hakyky duygularam shul ynamdan bashlayar.

-O chem. Dumaesh?
-O tebe lyubimom.
-Tak ty lyubish menya?
-Nu mozhet chut’ chut’
-Naskolko chut chut’?
-Na procentv sorok.
-Eto sovsem ne chut’ chut’.
-Da. No I sovsem ne mnogo. Hehe.
-Dogry…
…..
-A ty lyubish menya?
-Hawa.
-Na skolko?
-Na vse sto procentov.
-Vresh’ kak vsegda.
-Ty zhe sama vse prekrasno znaesh.
-Mmmm, na sto procentov?! I na skolko silno ty menya lyubish?
-Ne znayu. Slozhno podschitat’.
-Ty chasto vspominaesh menya?
-Nuuuu, sama posudi. Kogda ya utrom prosypayus’, ya vspominayu tebya. Kogda chtob umytsya podhozhu k zerkalu ya vspominayu tebya. Kogda zavtrakayu I pyu chay.
-Oooo.
-Kogda vyhozhu na ulicu I vizhu devushku ya vspominayu tebya. Kogda svetit solnyshko, kogda duet veterok I kogda lyet dozhd’ ya vspominayu tebya.
-Skuchaesh？Hochesh’ chtoby ya byla ryadom?
-Da…Ty …Ya hochu chtoby ty byla ryadom，chustvovat’ tvoe teplo, tvoe dyhanie, tvoy zapah. Ya hochu gladit’ tvoi volosy. Sen bilen bileje v obnimku laptobymda kino goresim gelyar. Mne ne nuzhno dazhe chtoby ty chto-to govorila. Prosto byla by ryadom.

Myrat, telefonyny chykardy. 1 minut galdy. Merjen gelenok. Jan etmelimi? Hasapda ing sonky kopukler, jan etse belki sonrak gerek bolup biler. Borda. Garashmaly. Telefonyny jubisine salanda gozi kowshune dushdi. Yarym yyl supurulmedik kowush 10 yyl geyilen yalydy. Myrat biraz gyra suyship, ayagy bilen bashda chep song bolsa sag kowushini balagynyn dyzynyn ashagynyn arka tarapyna supurdi.

 Dowamy

Bir zadyn nache gadyryny bilsen, sho zada shoncha nazik dalashyan. Bir adamy nache ozune yakyn, gadyrly bilsen shon bilen shoncha takyk, gadyrly we emay bilen gatnashyan. Ona aytjak her bir sozuni, her bir bakyshyny, her bir herekedini saylap sechyan. Ona bolan duygularyny gorap saklayan, onun sen barada pikirini alada edyan. Hatda oz ona bolan pikirlerinem tamiz, nazik we guychli saklamana chalyshyan.



-Vot prosto predstavim, chto bylo-by cherez 15 let, esli by pozhenilis by?
-U nas byli by deti. Dom, semya.
-Starshiy syn i dochka.
-Dvoe detey?
-Eto dlya nachala, potom budut ewe.
-Uzhas!
-A chto ty prigotovish mne kogda ya vernus ustalyi s raboty?
-Nu eto zavisit ot togo kakoy den’ nedeli. Ty zhe prinesesh’ pomidory，kartoshku, luk?
-Ya skoree vsego zabudu.
-Kak? Opyat?
-No v etot raz ya kupil tebe cvety, smotri kakie rozy.
-Nu ladno, togda prowayu. Hotya, net, idi nazad, kupi produkty. Detyam, est’ nechego.
-Dazhe konservy ne ostalis’?
-Ty chto, hochesh kormit svoih rodnyh detey konservoy?! ya uzhe chustvuyu chto u nas problemy budut.
-Dumayu uzhivemsya. Ty zhe dnevniki nashih bezdelnikov budesh proveryat?
-Konechno, ya horoshaya mama. Kazhdyi den’.
-No smotri, esli budut troyki ili dvoyki ty budesh otbyvat nakazanie!
-Da?! Kakoe?
-Za dvoyku…pyat chasov ugol obyazatelno.
-Ahhh, budesh stavit menya v ugol?
-Konechno.
-Eto zhe ne tolko moi deti, eto ewe I tvoi, ty ne podumal ob etom?
-Ty zhe dolzhna sledit’. Ty ved’ mama.
-Nu horosho. No primi vo vnimanie, esli ya budu stoyat’ pyat’ chasov v uglu, ya obizhus.
-Nu mozhno sdelat’ tak chtoby deti stoyali vmesto tebya.
-Net. Ne nado.
-Pochemu?
-Ne hochu chtoby moi milenkie v uglu stoyali. Ya luchshe sama postoyu.
-Primernaya mama.
-Ochen’ sil’no obizhus.
-I chto sdelaesh?
-I ne budu s toboy govorit’. Voobwe uydu k mame na nedelyu.
-Stoy, tak ne poydet, nado skidku sdelat’.
-Obyazatelno.
-Nu sdelayu tak. Ya skazhu detyam chtoby oni celovali tebya I za kazhdyi pocelui u tebya snimaetsya pyat minut.
-Mmmm, uzhe luchshe. A esli oni v eto vremya budut spat’?
-Togda pyat’ chasov.
-Togda mozhesh sobrat moyu sumku I postavit’ vozle dveri.
-Nu ladno, ladno….Prosto kogda ustanesh ty skazhi mne. Ya s ugla tebya na ruki vozmu I otvedu v spal’nyu. Ty tol’ko ne sachkuy.
-Horosho, ya budu stoyat’ poka ne ustanu.

Myrat skameykadan turdy. Uzakda gorunen badyna Merjeni yuzuni gorup bilmesede yoreyshinden tanady. Ulydan dem aldy, elini gursagyna goyup yurek urshuny dinledi. Chalt uryan yaly. Yok, normalno. Chalt dal, yone gaty uryar. Sen nirden bilyan, Merjeni gormeyan wagtyn yuregini dinlap bir gordunmi?

Owadan, akylly gyz gerek diydiler. Gormegey,uzyn, bay, ozuni tutan oglan gerek diydiler. Edepli bolsun, gowy nahar bishirsin, ejeme hyzmat etsin. Oyli bolsun, yeke ogul bolsun, bilimli bolsun. Olar yalnyshyarlar. Owadanlygam, gormegeyligem, pulam, adamkarchiligem mohum dal. Hemme zatdan onurti we mohum bolan zat bar…
Ol owadanam dal, asyllam. Men bayam dal, uzynam.. Ol nahar bishirip bilenok, menden 4 yash uly. Men chilim chekyan, arak ichyan… Bu zatlar mohum dal. Hemme zat yorar yaly ederin.

-Da? I tak ty hochesh prervat’ nashi otnosheniya?
-Pochemu by net. Mezhdu nami nichego netu, ne bylo I ne budet. My prosto ubivaem vremya drug druga. Ya zhe sto raz tebe obyasnyala tebe chto my ne mozhem byt’ vmeste. Chto ya ne lyublyu tebya. Mezhdu name otnosheniya kak takogo netu dazhe.
--Hmmm.Horosho. Otlichno. Idi. Net, stoy. Postoy. Davay dogovorim vse. Postavim vse tochki.
-Vernee odnu tochku.
-Da. Davay postavim odnu tochku. Dlya menya te tysyachi chasov chto my boltali po telefonu, eto ne prosto priyatnye chasy, ty eto prekrasno znaesh. I ya ne skryval ot tebya kak silno ya tebya lyublyu. Ne znayu, ne znayu, ne znayu…inogda kazhetsya chto ty voobshe ne uvazhaesh ni menya, ni moi chustva. Ne te chustva kotorye ya k tebe pitayu, ty ne obyazana obrashat na nih vnimanie, a te chustva kotorye ya voobshe chustvuyu. Dlya menya vsegda kogda ya slyshal tebya byla vera, byla nadezhda, byla uverennost’ v budushem schastye. A ty vse eto smetaesh’ v musor?!
-Net, ya uvazhayu tebya, I uvazhayu tvoi chustva. No kak ty nikogda ne skryval ot menya chto lyubish menya, tak I ya nikogda ne govoril chto lyublyu tebya. I nikogda ne govoril chto my podhodim drug k drugu, skoree naoborot…I znaesh chto menya udivlyaet? Eto to chto ty vedesh sebya kak moy paren’. Ty obizhaeshsya, serdishsya. Ya ne preryvayu otnosheniya, ya posto ne dayu nevozmozhnym otnosheniyam razvitsya. I segodnya…chem ranshe tem luchshe.

Myrat garanky kocheden yorap baryardy. Jubusini yene bir gezek barlady. Bir manat, taksa yetenok. Borla, yorap giderin. Dandana chenli bararyn.

Bir gyza ashyk bolmak kynmy? Yureginde lale yaly ayap, ustune yekeje sayada dushurmani saklamak kynmy？ Yykylan ynamyny tazeden yygnamak, paralanan gownuni tazeden choplemek, yumrulan umytlaryna her gun tazeden, gayta-gayta, munlerche gezek jan bermek kynmy? Myrat uchin kynam daldi. 

dowamy

gerek(31%, 14 adam)

hokman(27%, 12 adam)

yoklay(6%, 3 adam)

yazma gaydyp(11%, 5 adam)

ozun gor(11%, 5 adam)

okamana yaltandym(9%, 4 adam)

kim sen?(2%, 1 adam)